Um....there ARE books for this. Here's "Crappy News" for Tuesday, August 28th.

Denton, TX- A college's first day of classes was delayed...because of a raccoon.

The University of North Texas' Department of Music had their first day interrupted after the rogue raccoon was caught wandering the halls. Animal control was called, and the raccoon was captured and released back into the wild.

The department tweeted about the incident, saying "we're not sure her/his audition went well but an impression was clearly made." [UPI]

Clearly this didn't happen in the Midwest. A raccoon is, like, #37 on the list of things that would cancel class.

Portland, OR- And you thought YOUR man was trash.

blcksmith via Instagram

Mike Schneider was feeling glum after a break up and decided--as many of us have--to drown his sorrows. Somewhere along the way Schneider experienced a moment of clarity. He grabbed the empty boxes of booze he'd been pounding, (presumably) sobered up enough to do some arts and crafts, and built himself a "box wine boyfriend" named Franz--inspired by his love of Franzia, no doubt.

Schneider described Franz as "better than a regular boyfriend because he’s the strong, silent type, but also sweet and caring at the same time."

Now he's decided to take the gag to the next level. By getting engaged. Schneider says he's already looking at wedding venues. [Vice]

If this dude finds a wedding venue before me I'll be REALLY upset. And speaking of bizarre relationships.......

Bijie, China- A husband and wife had some serious trouble trying to have a baby.

Thinkstock

A lot of couples have fertility issues or trouble conceiving. It's usually not something to laugh about. USUALLY.

The 26-year-old man and his 24-year-old wife were in fine health, but hadn't been able to get pregnant throughout their four-year marriage. The wife finally went to her OB/GYN for help. She told the doctor that sex with her husband was "usually painful," and after a quick examination, it was easy to see why.

The couple had been having sex the wrong way. And since it was so painful...you can probably guess how they were doing it. I mean, wouldn't you at least TRY a different way after four years? [Newsweek]

If you don't know which hole to use...PERHAPS parenting isn't for you.

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