Caucus Etiquette

Today is the day! Iowa Caucus Day! The nation is watching. So act accordingly.

This isn't going to be a how-to piece on caucusing. We have posted that already

This about how to enhance your caucus experience, and not embarrass all of us here in Iowa. Remember, the world is watching!

This is more like high school than you believe, so play on that. Caucuses are basically like little cliques that assemble on behalf of each candidate. Make sure your group is representing! Establish the most-visible table and declare it "the cool kids table", plastering your favorite candidate's propaganda all over it. If you meet any small groups that aren't viable on their own, instead of shaming and berating them into changing to your candidate, make them feel appreciated for who they are and let them know they can blossom as part of your group.

I mean, have you even SEEN "She's All That?"

Do like we do in radio. It's all branding, repetition, and never acknowledging competition. Just say the name of your candidate over and over again until osmosis kicks in. Even if someone says hello, respond with the candidate name. This is a caucus, it isn't speed dating. And you should never even admit other candidates exist. To do that gives people options, and if you are trying to convince everyone that your way is the way to go the last thing they need is options.

If you fart, and anyone notices, blame it on Obama. This would work a lot better in the Republican caucuses, but I'm sure it's something that would go over anywhere. Obama gets blamed for everything.

Do not make any double-entendres about the word "caucus". Despite this is more like high school than you believe, stay away from borderline X-rated puns. Especially if a TV camera is put in your face.

Actual 17-year olds will be in attendance, so be adult but don't be "adult". If someone will be 18 on Election Day, they are eligible to attend a caucus before their 18th birthday. Do not corrupt these minors. Leave the cigarettes, porn, and profanity at home where it belongs. They are not there for a good time, they are there to engage in serious politics.

Hooking up is rare, but if you have a chance you need to go for it. It may be a caucus and not speed dating, but when people tell their grandkids how they met it's always some really cool story straight out of a romantic comedy they see. Avoid pickup lines and simply burrow your political point of view into your future running mate's head until their heart melts like jelly. And you know it won't be superficial; this is the perfect opportunity to show off that "I want people to love me for more than my good looks" social gathering.

If you're supporting someone who has no chance, remember Billy Joel. Not every candidate that wins the White House wins Iowa, so don't get bullied into ditching your guy (or gal) until he (or she) drops out of the race. If they do drop out, then everyone will be kissing your ass for your free-agent vote. Advantage: You.

What does Billy Joel have to do with this? If Billy Joel can keep getting married to the women he somehow gets married to, your candidate can figure something out. Or you'll move on to something better. Like Billy Joel has.