CRAPPY NEWS – 3/8/17
Here are some valuable lessons: Always pay for stuff when you go to the store, always avoid taking your classic car to Walmart, and always turn down the chance to try hallucinogenic drugs...
Norfolk, VA: A man learned the hard way that it pays to be optimistic.
49-year-old Allen Cochran was on trial for theft last Thursday. He had allegedly stolen $33 worth of cheese from a grocery store. He also faced a charge for failure to appear.
Convinced he'd be found guilty, he didn't attend the verdict on Friday and SKIPPED TOWN.
In a cruel twist, the jury actually found him not guilty of stealing the cheese, and he likely wouldn't have served any jail time for the other charge. But since he didn't show up, they hit him with the max punishment...FIVE YEARS in prison.
Cochran is still a fugitive. [Virginian-Pilot]
I hope that was some REALLY good cheese...
Edgewood, FL: This guy found out what I've known for years: Nothing good ever happens at Walmart.
Paul Stamoulis drove his restored 1959 Corvette to the Walmart last week. After he parked it, an old lady was cutting through the parking lot and CRASHED into it. The woman attempted to hit the brakes but she pressed down the gas instead. Her Ford Taurus slammed into the Corvette and rolled up onto its hood.
Of course, the Taurus sustained no major damage, but the 'Vette was thrashed. Nobody was injured in the accident, but the Corvette's owner definitely had his pride crushed. [CBS 47 - Jacksonville]
I never thought I'd use the words "Corvette" and "Walmart" in the same sentence.
South Euclid, OH: A man dialed 911 because he thought he swallowed a spider.
According to police, the 19-year-old man frantically called 911 Thursday night for fear that he'd swallowed a pregnant spider. He claimed that the arachnid had given birth in his stomach and said he could feel baby spiders CRAWLING OUT OF HIS MOUTH--which I'm pretty sure would kill me before I had a chance to call police. Turns out, the guy hadn't swallowed a spider...just a whole lot of LSD.
He was transported to a local hospital for observation. No word on if he'll be charged with anything.
If I swallow a spider, please give me AS MANY DRUGS AS POSSIBLE. I don't care.