CRAPPY NEWS – 5/18/17
A grandson gets caught with his pants down, a toy almost turns deadly, and a doctor switches his patients' DNA...
St. Albans, WV- A man was arrested for breaking and entering...and wanking.
27-year-old Tristan Tucker turned himself in last Thursday and admitted to police that he'd broken a window to get inside his grandmother's house. Tucker claimed he entered the home to charge his cell phone. Once his phone was plugged in, he started watching porn on it...and, of course, began PLEASURING HIMSELF.
Tucker realized his grandma had security cameras running, and he didn't want her to see him doing such filthy things in her house. So he STOLE the cameras and the DVR with their footage, and hid them in a shed on her property. One his grandma's friends found the DVR box, which had footage of Tucker breaking in multiple times. [The Smoking Gun]
It's unsure if his self-love sessions had ALSO been recorded. Let's hope not, for Granny's sake.
Houston, TX- If you weren't all-in on the fidget spinner craze, this definitely won't change your mind about them.
10-year-old Britton Joniec was in her mom's car on Saturday and decided to CLEAN her fidget spinner by putting it in her mouth...because ten-year-olds do stuff like that.
Well, one of the bearings fell off and got lodged in her throat. She could still breathe, but she was turning red and drooling, so her mom rushed her to the hospital. Britton needed emergency surgery to have it removed. [Houston Chronicle]
You haven't really been a parent until one of your kids' toys almost kills them...
Rotterdam, Netherlands- The owner of a sperm bank has been accused of switching out donor samples...with HIS OWN.
89-year-old fertility doctor Jan Karbaat passed away last month, but not before admitting to one of his patients that he'd allegedly fathered 60 children through his clinic. 23 families are now requesting DNA tests to determine if Karbaat used his little swimmers instead of the original donors'.
He is also accused of tampering with the clinic’s data and donor descriptions. [Metro]
We don't need lawyers to get involved...we need Maury Povich!