Because *everything* fun is bad nowadays. This is 'Crappy News' for Tuesday, October 24th, 2017.

Enid, OK- Police apprehended a "slippery" suspect.


54-year-old John Kellerman was pulled over for speeding Sunday afternoon. When the officer approached Kellerman's car he noticed a few very--peculiar--things.

Police said Kellerman was almost fully naked, except for "a bikini thong covering his genitals” and he had rubbed Vaseline all over his arms, legs, and hands. The cop also reported seeing an “opened jar of Vaseline that was nearly empty” and a “pornographic magazine in the passenger seat.”

Kellerman admitted to police that he'd been pleasuring himself while in his car...because why lie at that point?

He's charged with speeding and driving with a revoked license. [The Smoking Gun]

Not to mention, he probably scarred everyone who saw him FOR LIFE.

Ocala, FL- Police are searching for some crooks in the Halloween spirit.

Dimension Films

A pair of suspects--one wearing a "Scream" mask and the other donning a Freddy Krueger mask--stole an undetermined amount of money from a Pizza Hut on October 16th and a fast food restaurant last Wednesday. The duo also attempted to rob a motel on Wednesday.

During each offense, one suspect would threaten employees with a weapon while the other would put the money in a large bag.

Officers released still images of the suspects, but neither of them has been identified. [UPI]

Walpole, MA- This is the latest example of adults going WAY too far to protect kids.

An elementary school has canceled its Halloween festivities...because it's not inclusive to all students.


The principal sent a letter to parents, saying  "…the costume parade is out of our ordinary routine and can be difficult for many students ... and it is our goal each and every day to ensure all student’s individual differences are respected.”

The school says Halloween itself will now simply be "Black & Orange Spirit Day." So, basically, a Halloween party without Halloween. Sounds like a barrel of fun. [WBZ-TV]

It's Halloween. These are elementary school students...let the kids dress up and collect some candy. It's NOT a big deal. We don't need to make everything political.

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