If I were homeless, I would also want as much beer as possible. This is "Crappy News" for Tuesday, April 24th.

Maharashtra, India- A teen was sent to the hospital after getting a key stuck in his skull.

Goal Post Media / SWNS

The 19-year-old victim had reportedly gotten into a fight Wednesday and was stabbed in the head with a motorcycle key.

The key was wedged nearly two inches into his head and it took surgeons nearly three-and-a-half hours to remove it. Doctors performed a craniotomy--which is a medical way of saying "cut out a chunk of his skull"--to dislodge the key.

The victim was discharged over the weekend and is expected to make a complete recovery. [The Daily Mail]

Talk about a headlock.

Sebastian, FL- A man was arrested after attacking his boyfriend with a singing fish.

YouTube

54-year-old Gregory Carney got into it with his boyfriend, 52-year-old Larry Timmerman, Sunday afternoon. At one point, Carney began playing with his Big Mouth Billy Bass. Timmerman told police that Carney was doing this "just to aggravate him" so Timmerman took it off the wall and dumped it in the trash.

Carney retrieved--"fished" probably works, I guess--Billy from the garbage...and threw it at his boyfriend's head. Carney admitted to throwing the fish, but denied AIMING it at Timmerman. He was charged with domestic battery. [The Smoking Gun]

We're overlooking the key piece of information here. It's 2018 and someone STILL has a Big Mouth Billy Bass on his wall.

Santa Rosa, CA- A homeless man got busted for driving drinks...

Thinkstock

A Coors truck driver stopped at a local liquor store to make a delivery when 46-year-old Matt Hermsmeyer climbed into the parked truck and drove off.

A GPS system gave police the location of the truck, and squad cars and a helicopter unit were dispatched to the scene. Hermsmeyer later exited the truck and fled on foot across the highway. Hermsmeyer was found shirtless and wearing a pair of American Flag shorts. Because, seriously...what's more American than stealing a truck full of beer? I can't think of much.

He has been charged with suspicion of vehicle theft, possession of stolen property, priors for auto theft, resisting arrest and a probation violation. [Fox]

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