How To Have A Great Iowa Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. And I am thankful to have the bestest, smartest, most wonderfulest audience in the Cedar Valley! So let's have the best Thanksgiving ever, free of drama. Here's how to do that.

Keep your political affiliations to yourself. In Iowa we are bombarded with more politics than most other states (full disclosure: Q has started playing ads from a prominent Democratic candidate not named Hillary) so I doubt your uncle wants to hear about who you're going to vote for. If you're a Donald Trump supporter, unless you don't want an entire house full of people laughing at you, you may want your mouth to be full of food the entire time.

Keep your sports team affiliations to yourself. Cyclone supporters in your family may be especially butthurt if you're going to crow about how the Hawkeyes are in the Big Ten championship game. UNI are in the playoffs, so don't go flaunting that around either. Same goes for pro sports; there are three NFL games on Thanksgiving Day, one of them is Bears-Packers. Oh boy.

The hosts are in charge of what's on the TV and get first dibs on the food. This is similar to the rule that whoever's driving controls the car stereo. If the hosts defer, but not to a specific person, the elders in the family control the TV unless they defer too, and so on and so on. Generally speaking, you can't go wrong with the Macy's parade and football, but if you are a guest in someone else's house you need permission to change the channel. At the table, let the people who made the food dispense the food and pass the bowls.

Unless you are the host, YOU ARE A GUEST IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE! That means don't trash someone else's house. That means being considerate of the feelings of the people who live there, especially if you're not a close family member. "Make yourself at home" is a polite expression that is not meant to be taken literally. Some Thanksgivings I have only had to say "please", "thank you", and "this is delicious" because I leave Radio Will at home and am as humble and polite as can be. I just want to eat and watch football.

If you are hosting, don't freak out on the guests for every little thing. You invited everyone over, so you already knew you were going to have to clean up after everybody. Just let them be the ungrateful slobs that have disappointed you for years and hope they don't completely take over the whole freaking house.

Be mindful of the family's pecking order and cliques. Some relatives are thick as thieves. Some of the relatives are blood but you wouldn't spend any time with them otherwise. Some of the people there are plus-ones. Some family members will be the favorites (this has always been me in my family), and there will be the family members that are the "disappointments". There will be inside jokes you don't know about. There will be people you have never seen, and may never see again. Don't try too hard to fit in -- don't take any real social initiative actually -- and don't try too hard to stick up for a picked-on relative. Just sit back and enjoy the show and talk crap behind their back on the way home.

Unless you are a close family member to the hosts, have polite diplomatic answers to all the questions you are going to receive. If you are dating someone and they invite you to Thanksgiving, for example, be prepared for the possibility people will not completely ignore you. How long have you been dating? How did you meet? How old are you? What do you do for a living? Where are you from? Where is your family from? What do you want to drink? (Pro Tip: Never ask for anything with alcohol in it, and only drink alcohol if offered, and then only drink alcohol if offered if everyone is drinking alcohol since it may be a test.) Where did you go to school? Hawkeyes, Cyclones, or Panthers? Who are you voting for? What's your stance on gay marriage? Have you ever been married before? Are you going to put a ring on it? Will you hold the baby? What do you think of the house? You want to go outside and see the new car? Have you tried (fill in name of every food item on the table)? What do you think of (fill in name of every food item on the table)? This Syrian refugee thing is a pain in the butt, isn't it? Her sister's pretty too, ain't she?

The present you are planning to buy for them tonight is your out. Unless you are asked to leave because you don't know how to follow the sound advice from above, or maybe you just lack any sense of manners......there is one foolproof way to get out of there. Black Thursday! If you have kids you can blame your early exit on a sick kid or something, but telling people you have to go get in line so "a certain someone" can get their kickass Christmas present never fails.