How To Watch The NFL Playoffs This Sunday

I am a huge sports fan, but I also understand that (regrettably) not everyone in the Q-niverse is.

"Q-niverse", you like that? Is that gonna stick?

Anyway, I am here to help my audience, especially the casual and non-sports fans with a crash course for a big weekend of football, because you'll probably be stuck around football fans who know their stuff.

It's the conference championship games, meaning the winners on Sunday will meet in the Super Bowl.

Here are things you should know, and things you can talk about and look like you are in-the-know.

Talk about Tom Brady's balls. The New England quarterback is dreamy, but he's married, and also probably a rulebreaking jerk. Last year in the conference championships there was a scandal that the Patriots committed shenanigans with the air pressure in the footballs. They won big, which they probably were going to do anyway, but everyone made a big stink about the footballs, they suspended Tom for four games, he threatened to sue, he appealed, and won the appeal.

He's playing Peyton Manning again. Even people who aren't into sports know who Peyton Manning is, right? Unlike Brady -- who has a handful of titles -- Manning has the stats and the commercials (Nationwide who is allegedly on your side and also Papa John's). This will be the 17th time the two teams have met, including the fourth time with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line. Brady is 11-5 in the previous 16 games, and this is probably the last one.

Be sure to mention how much a shame it is that this will probably be the last time they play each other. Peyton is old and beat-up. He may even be washed-up. You got to bring controversial opinions as well as facts if you want to blend in with the sports crowd.

Denver's defense is the key to the AFC championship game. The Broncos have a great defense, which will need to play well if they have any chance of winning. The altitude in Denver will likely not be as big a factor as everyone will say -- New England has played there already this year, and see? Controversial opinion! -- and they both are cold-weather cities that play on grass.

Cam Newton is either a jerk, or he's just a guy who loves to be a football player. This cannot be both. You have to take a side. If you pick the jerk side, do not get sucked into anybody suggesting it's racial. Even though some people's opinion about this is. He does elaborate dances in the end zone after touchdowns (which have caused fans to write and say what a bad example he is to our youth), last week when a Seahawks fan dangled their flag in his face he grabbed it and threw it on the field (which has infuriated all of Seattle even though the game was in North Carolina, and Seahawks fans are the pits anyway).

CONTROVERSIAL OPINION: Tell people Carolina is about as unimpressive as a 16-1 team can be. Other than Cam Newton, their only skill players on offense who anyone remotely knows about are an oft-injured running back named Jonathan Stewart (yes, like the Daily Show guy) and tight end Greg Olsen (who is legitimately good). Their wide receivers are all blah. Their defense is pretty good. This team is overachieving.

If you are a big fan of underdogs, Arizona is the huckleberry. They have Carson Palmer, a quarterback who is a really good player and person. Until this year, he's either been on terrible teams or had serious knee injuries. The Cardinals also have Larry Fitzgerald, a star wide receiver who is one of the most likable players in the NFL. Their coach Bruce Arians is super-likable too. They deserve to win.

Arizona has not one, but TWO former UNI Panthers on their roster. Everyone talks about running back David Johnson, but the Cardinals also have a backup defensive lineman named Xavier Williams who went to school in Cedar Falls. This trumps any of the other teams, who each have one Cyclone (Carolina has linebacker A.J. Klein) or one Hawkeye (New England has tight end Scott Chandler and Denver has backup center James Ferentz). Impress your friends with this Iowa football knowledge!

Remember this when picking a winner. Over the last 20 years, the most common result from the conference championships is one home team and one road team wins. That has happened 11 times. 7 times both home teams won. Twice have both road teams won.

Be as unhappy as I am when the Super Bowl is New England vs. Carolina. Because that's what will probably happen, and God.....the freaking Patriots against Cam Newton. I'll watch that but I won't like it.