Somebody needs to get this guy a date! This is "Crappy News" for Wednesday, September 5th, 2018.

Henrico, VA- Police responded to a mall on Monday to investigate a guy who was creeping people out . . . with VENTRILOQUISM.

Siri Stafford

Apparently this guy was harassing people, but he was having his puppet hurl the insults and yell profanities at shoppers.

The man and his dummy had left before police arrived, so no charges were filed. And I'm guessing the cops aren't really trying to track him down, at least not until there's another case of aggressive ventriloquism. [CBS 6 - Richmond]

What happened to the good old days...when a guy could just creep people out by flashing strangers?

Belton, TX- A chemical explosion led to the closure of a major highway.

AXE via Facebook

A truck driver reported seeing flames in his rear view mirror early Friday morning while traveling on Interstate 35. He pulled over and was able to detach the trailer with help from other motorists.

The fire grew...and the truck EXPLODED. The hauler was carrying a trailer full of Axe Body Spray, and cans blew up and flew everywhere, causing the Interstate to shut down for several hours. [Temple Daily Telegram]

There were no casualties, but now the entire town smells like a college baseball team.

Milan, Italy- A man was hospitalized after getting a two-foot-long sex toy stuck up his backside.

The 31-year-old man checked himself in after inserting the item into his rectum the day before. Apparently he got A BIT too ambitious and was unable to remove it by hand.

Thinkstock

Doctors were unable to get the toy out using standard methods as they complained it was "too big and smooth," so they had to create A NEW TOOL in order to remove it. They threaded a guide wire through a catheter tube in order to create a makeshift lasso to insert into his colon.

The "extraction" was successful and the patient was allowed to return home on the same day as the procedure. He wrote a thank you note to doctors for solving his "embarrassing" problem. [Metro]

General rule...if it can't fit in your mouth you probably shouldn't put it ANYWHERE else.

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