The Smoking Gun reportedly got their hands on One Direction's tour rider, and the revelations are so intriguing that we almost don't even know where to begin.

First of all, let's discuss how the supposed rider only includes four dressing rooms. Since the rider states it was updated on March 9, 2015 — 10 days before Zayn Malik infamously left the Asian leg of the band's On the Road Again tour — we're just going to go ahead and assume that was a typo. Let's freaking hope so.

Of course, these "STAR" dressing rooms, the rider states, should contain "spotlessly clean and sanitized bathroom and shower facilities" that include "Soft toilet tissue and odorless air freshener." The dressing rooms also must contain "wall-to-wall freshly clean and deodorized carpet," "two six foot dressed banquet table[s] for catering and personal items," "one box of Kleenex soft tissues" and more. (It's clear that the guys really care about the softness of their facial and bathroom tissues.)

But interestingly enough, one of the four dressing rooms "MUST allow smoking," the alleged rider states, and also include "four ashtrays." Hmmm.

Moving on, however, it's clear that the guys are pretty into ping pong and other games, as their "game room" is required to be stocked with a "Table Tennis table c/w bats and balls," "Pinball Table Table," and "one other games machine/table of your choice — Pool/air hockey/Space Invaders, etc."

They're also seriously into their catering, as "ALL CATERING MUST BE ON CHINA" and their "after-show food" includes things like "three cases of local beer" and all the fast food you can eat from places such as In-and-Out, Chick-Fil-A, Steak n' Shake, "Local GOOD places" and more.

Of course, perhaps the highlight of the whole thing is the "High Initial Risk Rating" of the audience (yes, that means you, Directioners). The rider refers to the fans as "very young, excitable and inexperienced. Audience has been scored 9/10, 0 being sedate, seated and non-moving and 10 being riotous and moshing." Hear that, Directioners? You're just one level below a heavy metal show. The rider also notes that "crushing injuries, emergency extraction and emergency escape" are all possible with the One Direction audience. Yikes! But also kind of hilarious.

Directioners, peep 1D's supposed tour rider in all of its full glory over at the Smoking Gun. What do you think of the band's demands?