Slater’s St. Patrick’s Day Survival Tips
Happy St. Patrick's Day! Oh, what's that? You're not Irish? Nonsense! Everyone is allowed to pretend for a day. Plus...it happens to fall on a weekend, which means people will be drinking like they don't have to go to work until Monday. Here's some friendly advice to help you survive St. Paddy's Day.
5. WEAR GREEN
If you're going to go out and celebrate, at least look the part. Someone WILL try to pinch you. I certainly don't have a lot of green in my wardrobe, but I always make sure I have something for St. Patrick's Day. Or, you can accessorize with hats, glasses, leggings, or beads. Which leads me to...
4. DON'T FLASH FOR BEADS
Look at me, telling a woman to keep her top ON. My...how times have changed. But seriously, this ain't Mardi Gras. B-Y-O-Beads. And if you need to buy them, they're like $1. Plus, pretty much everyone will be celebrating, so chances are good that somebody in that bar will tell your dad. Or your boss. I'm not really sure which is worse.
3. DRINK WHAT EVERYONE ELSE DRINKS
Don't be an arse-hole. Nobody wants to wait an extra five minutes at the bar because you ordered a Tootsie Roll shot or a Bahama Mama. Just suck it up, go to Jameson's and guzzle some green beer or an Irish Car Bomb. It's not THAT bad. (Well, actually, Guinness is pretty awful. Hey, apple-tinis are green, right?)
2. PACE YOURSELF
By the time you read this, you've probably already been drinking since breakfast. Speaking of which, you definitely should have eaten breakfast before you started drinking. And you should probably plan on eating a few more times to make up for all the binge drinking. But...moderation is key! Don't be that person that gets kicked out of the bar because you barfed on a leprechaun. Have fun, but know your limits. Unless you want to send sloppy selfies to that random dude from OKCupid.
1. DESIGNATE A DRIVER
I can not stress this enough. Make sure you have a DD lined up. If you're fortunate enough to be accompanied by a sober person on St. Paddy's Day...treasure that friendship forever, that person is a true friend. If not, call a cab, request Lyft or Uber, whatever you need to do to get home safely. There's nothing cool about a DUI.
Remember, Iowa doesn't mess around when it comes to St. Patrick's Day. I'm hoping these bits of advice (and the luck of the Irish) prevent you from getting dumped, fired, or arrested. Erin Go Bragh!