Top 5 Most Likely Powerball Billionaires

Is someone as intelligent and mature and attractive and level-headed as you going to win the Powerball drawing tonight worth a billion-five? Hell no! But if you know someone like this, you can hit them up for some money after they win tonight.

1. Your grandmother, or great-grandmother, or great-great-grandmother. Being set for life really isn't the same when you're over a certain age, especially when everyone related to you is starting a countdown timer until your death. Families already fight over inheritances while the person who has all the stuff is still alive. Wait until Granny wins a billion dollars. There will be buttkissing, scheming, sabotage....everything.

Why is this family being ruined when I could have won the jackpot instead!?

2. Someone who thinks they are smarter than everyone else. They may have brains, but they share it with their ego and total obliviousness. Nothing bad will happen to them. They can handle having that much money instantly. People will not bother them. They have a plan. They have thought it all out. They are going to invest the money, rule the world, and be so messed up in the head they won't enjoy the money one bit.

3. Someone who is completely irresponsible with money. They have a gambling problem. And/or a credit score of 430. Probably a shopaholic. They've seen MTV's "Cribs". They say YOLO a lot and make impulse buys even if they only have $10 to their name. They will have more creditors than friends hunting them down after they win.

Remember in "Breaking Bad" when Walt gave Jesse his $7,000 to get the RV?

Yeah, imagine this with a billion dollars. A new car for every day of the month. This person will enjoy the money too much and be broke again in three years.

4. Someone who won't even act like they have a billion dollars, like even a little bit. "Money won't affect me. If I won I won't quit my job." They will still probably drive the same 1997 Honda Civic until it falls apart too. They'll stay in their two-bedroom ranch in Charles City, buy the name-brand groceries instead of the store-brand, and put the rest in the bank.

5. Someone who is surrounded by completely lousy people. A crappy spouse who will divorce them immediately and try and get half. Loser mooch "friends" who will bleed them dry. People close to them who will turn on them, rob them, or worse. The sleazy accountant that will invest their money in something that doesn't exist.

Something I always say: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people AREN'T out to get you." This is the person that not only loses their money but also their sanity. This is the person who either tries to or does take their own life.

Anyway, I'm hoping you win the drawing instead. It sure as hell won't be me. I don't play the Powerball. With my luck, if I bought a ticket the Powerball people would send me a bill in the mail next week. That's how lousy my luck is.

Don't believe me?