Dear Will,

I know you're not as good in real-life social situations as you are on the radio. That is why I am writing this to you, so you don't make a total ass out of yourself tonight in front of all your co-workers.

I have complied a list for you to follow that is basically a failsafe for anyone at a work-related social event.

Don't talk about work. This is supposed to be fun, so why would anyone bring work into this? When people talk work at an office party it's either to complain about things that won't get fixed until you send them an email about it on Monday like they'll ask you to do, or it's to kiss butt. And we both know you don't kiss anyone's butt.............

If you do talk about work, don't tell people how to do their job. Beej doesn't want to hear about how he needs to quit doing celebrity birthdays. The new traffic lady doesn't need to know about that thing with the commercial logs right then, save that for the email on Monday, probably the same email you should've written last week. Remember last year when someone started telling you what music you should play? Yeah, I know that made you happy as hell.

Don't talk about the weather. The weather sucks. Plus save the awkward weather conversations for when you're at a cash register and you need to look like you don't hate people.

Don't talk sports. You're a sports expert, I've known this since you were in elementary school. Most people at this thing either already know or won't care. You won't make them understand.

DON'T TALK ABOUT SPORTS! Especially the Minnesota Vikings. Especially to people who are not fans of the Minnesota Vikings. I've seen you. This will not end well.

Don't talk about politics. Everyone will openly complain about who gets elected in November, even the people who voted for the people they're complaining about. Plus you have Facebook for that.

Don't talk about guns. Every day nobody shoots you is a Festivus miracle as it is. Don't give them any extra motive.

When someone says something that pisses you off, let it slide. Why should this be different than every workday?

Don't be the "extra". You know how a group of people are having a conversation, and there are always people standing there who look like they are just there, kind of laughing along but contributing nothing otherwise......kind of like an extra in a movie? Don't do that to yourself.

Don't even look at the female plus-ones of other co-workers. I don't care how good she looks.

Don't embarrass your own female plus-one. I don't care how dumb she acts.

Don't say a word about the food or drink. If you're paying for it, and the steak is cooked wrong, then by all means. But if it's on the house? As you've told people many times, "'thank you' never killed anyone".

Don't play pool or darts. You will get pissed if you lose. You hate to lose.

Don't badmouth anyone or anything, for any reason. See below.

Don't forget about the voice recorder on your phone. Snitches may get stitches, but they also get not fired for saying things. You have no filter. And you never know what other people will say that you could use.

Be as invisible as humanly possible. You know how someone always says or does something that is an inside running joke all year long? Yeah, they never make fun of the person that nobody remembers if they even showed up.

Good luck tonight.

xoxo,
Will