There's something I'll never, ever, ever, ever hear in my life. This is "Crappy News" for Wednesday, November 14th.

Land O'Lakes, FL- An elementary school principal was arrested for stealing money from a mentally challenged student.

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50-year-old Edward Abernathy is accused of stealing $900 cash from a 9-year-old student at Connerton Elementary. Last month, the child had brought $2,100 of his parents’ money to school. Once teachers realized he had, they took it, counted it and locked it in the principal’s office.

The student's mom came a few days later to pick up the money, but Abernathy only gave her $1,200. He later confessed to police that he had hidden the rest of the cash on top of a shelf in his office.

Abernathy, whose annual salary is $91,000, was charged with grand theft. The district superintendent said Abernathy will be placed on paid administrative leave until further notice. [Tampa Bay Times]

St. Petersburg, FL- This isn't QUITE a dine-and-dash...maybe it could've been.

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42-year-old Kimberly Gabel was drunk and "making a scene" at Red Lobster Saturday. A manager asked her to leave because she was disrupting customers.

Before she left, Gabel "proceeded to reach into a water tank, grabbed a lobster and ran out of the restaurant." The manager called 911 and police tracked her down a short time later.

Officers said Gabel smelled of booze and was slurring her words. She was cited for disorderly intoxication. [The Smoking Gun]

If you're gonna get kicked out of a place for making a scene, you might as well REALLY make a scene.

Harare, Zimbabwe- A woman is suing her ex for damages...just not the kind you might think...

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29-year-old Silindile Mangena started dating 37-year-old Mugrove Kurima two years ago.

The couple split up in May. And now she's suing him...because she says his "abnormally long and thick" manhood STRETCHED her out too much.

She says she needs reconstructive surgery for her lady business, so she's asking for more than $10,000 to cover the costs of the operation. He hasn't responded to the lawsuit yet.

What's he supposed to respond to? If anything, he'll take it as a compliment.

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